


i just might -

by flavus



Series: dedicating every day to you (modern hamburr au) [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: (somewhat), :/, Aaron has generalized anxiety, Alternate Universe - Middle School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, SORRY IT'S A DAY LATE HAHA, Valentine's Day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-15
Updated: 2017-02-15
Packaged: 2018-09-24 16:29:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9770423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flavus/pseuds/flavus
Summary: his heart is for alexander, and if he clutches it any more tightly, it will break.or - the one where they're middle school students & aaron talks less, waits more





	

Aaron felt his sweaty hands soaking the paper heart he held in his pocket.  
  
_This is nothing_ , he reassured himself. _Just a normal, friendly greeting, right? A tradition. Everybody does this. Everybody gives out Valentines, and you’ll be weird if you don’t._  
  
He ran his hand through his crop of hair, hyperaware of the tremors threatening to control him.  
  
It was his last heart - he’d already given the rest to his new classmates. Apparently at the middle school he’d just transferred to, they still exchanged Valentines, but he hadn’t known of the tradition until the night before, when his sister asked him whether he’d started decorating anything. Frantic, he’d grabbed a stack of paper, started cutting and pasting and drawing, and four hours later had a hefty stack of decorated cards addressed to everyone in his class.  
  
Each card he’d pored over, personalized the best he could after knowing each person for a month - some, obviously, were more detailed than others. Jonathan Bellamy, his first friend at the new school, had a card as detailed as the paintings he made for his sister and his parents. He felt a smile stretching across his face as he remembered the look on Jon’s face when he received the card decorated with Marvel and DC logos, the centerpiece Jon in a tight Spandex suit, hands on hips.  
  
_Jon_ -  
_I know I don’t speak much, and I might seem a little boring to you. But I want to thank you for everything - for being so kind to me, for taking me under your wing even though I don’t always act like I’m happy about it. You’re a good friend and I’m glad I know you._  
_Aaron_  
  
“Cool, Aaron! Thank you so much!” he’d exclaimed, and Aaron made a mental note to show his appreciation for his friend more often. The other students had reacted similarly, which surprised him and made his day a million times over - Eliza Schuyler had given him an enthusiastic hug, and he’d seen Theodosia Prevost put her card proudly into her clear binder sleeve.  
  
But while the other cards he’d made were illustrated with drawings, and words were the secondary feature, the card he currently held was embellished with words, and only words. More words than Aaron had ever spoken in class or to anyone at his new school. At first he thought it would be a good idea to muck around with the card, and wrote down the biggest words he knew. _Intricate_. _Metonymy_. _Schadenfreude_. _Anachronistic. Dilapidated_. However, after ten or so words, he began to feel the strongest urge to write, so he did.  
  
_Alexander -_  
_You’re always talking. Always writing, always moving, always_ acting _. I know you like reading, and you like hearing other people’s opinions, so I’ll give you some of mine. I think that you’re radiant, and I think I could listen to you for a while. I think it’d be fun to debate with you - you know that book we’re reading,_ Fahrenheit 451 _?_ _I’d like to talk to you about it sometime. You should come to my house sometime to hang out._  
_Aaron_  
  
He’d been surprised, reading what he’d written after he was done. He was never able to imagine himself married - elementary conversation about marriage passed through one ear and out the other. His parents worked together because they _did_ \- he had no idea what romantic love was, or what it looked like. But if he did experience it, he expected it to be with a woman - his dad loved his mom because she was a woman, right? Yet here he was, writing what looked suspiciously like a love letter to a boy. _To Alex,_ he thought.  
  
His next-door-neighbor, nonetheless. A person he’d exchanged a grand total of five? Ten? Fifteen? words with.  
  
“God,” Aaron muttered. He hated the moments like this, when the entire weight of the world seemed to be pressing down on him. Every second he stood on the tymbark of the playground felt like torture - idly, he wondered when the wood would start to poke through his shoes.  
  
_You’re dumb for liking a boy. Look, Alex likes Eliza!_  
  
He stared at the ponytailed boy holding Eliza’s hand, then dragged his eyes to the slide next to him and forced himself to focus on the blue plastic, the way it was scuffed at the very bottom where students dragged the heels of their shoes to avoid landing in the tymbark. He tried to concentrate on the curves of the slide, the way it was disfigured at certain points where students had probably sat too long or pushed too hard, the way it still formed an effortless _J_.  
  
It didn’t help; his breathing sped up, and he grabbed the nearest pole. Alexander was talking blithely with a small group of his friends, and Aaron, through blurry eyes, marveled at the ease with which he conversed.  
  
_What would that be like?_ he thought, helplessly, clutching onto the pole as if it was his lifeline. _To not be - be like this?_  
  
He envied Alexander, but he also admired his classmate and next-door neighbor - the eloquence with which he spoke, and the confidence he carried himself with. Alexander never seemed to pause, never seemed to doubt himself, and Aaron just wanted to experience that sensation once, to stand in those shoes.  
  
His mind racing a mile a minute, Aaron grasped for a calming memory, and remembered something his mom told him, the first day he’d left for school.  
  
“Everything is scary, I know. People are scary, but it’s okay. You know how you think poop is gross? Everyone poops. Everyone has their moments where they’re gross. Everyone has something in common with you, Aaron.”  
  
(She’d looked at him, held him with gentler hands than he thought were possible. She’d looked at him like he mattered, like his opinions mattered, like it was okay for him to freeze up and get paralyzed by any little thing.)  
  
He looked at Alexander, carefree, gesticulating wildly to his friends as he made some point excitedly, and exhaled shakily. He plastered a smile on his face and stepped forward, until his thoughts caught up to him.  
  
_Next time_. _He doesn’t need to know - I just hope he doesn’t think I hate him. I just hope he doesn’t notice_. _Do I hope he notices? What if he asks me?_  
  
_No_ , Aaron resolved, clenching and unclenching his fist and crumpling the heart he held in his hand. _It’s okay. He doesn’t have to know, and this is never gonna happen again. Life will be normal if I don’t give him this. I won’t have to worry about change, about losing anything. It’s already the day after Valentine’s, anyway. It’ll be dumb if I give it to him now._  
  
Aaron walked off the playground, heart still clutched in his hand.  
  
(He couldn’t see the way Alexander looked at him, an inscrutable expression in his eyes as he watched Aaron leave.)

**Author's Note:**

> this 'verse is one i'm planning to continue! 
> 
> after i finish the challenge demands satisfaction, i'll get cracking on a modern hamburr au that's tentatively titled "burr worked next door"
> 
> also, i hope you enjoyed it, even if it's a bit sad (and short, and late). iMPLIED HAMBURR AT THE END THOUGH?? + kudos/comments give me life & happiness
> 
> come yell at me about hamburr, love, life, etc etc on tumblr @talkmarcellus :~)


End file.
